Class #4 – Stuck in the bathroom

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Jan-29-08

For this week, the setting is a 40^th birthday party; someone has locked themselves in the bathroom; tell a story:

Coming Out of the Bathroom

 “Thomas Andrew Reynolds.  You come out of that bathroom and you come out of that bathroom right … this … minute! “Do you hear me?”

“Honey, perhaps we better give him a little more time”

“Don’t ‘honey’ me, Andrew.  It’s my 40th birthday party, I have twenty-seven uncomfortable guests in the living room, I have a five year old niece now in need of therapy, our Son has locked himself in the bathroom and on top of all that … I need to pee”.

“Well, yes, but look on the bright side, the birthday cake turned out so well”.

Even hiding from this family behind the door, Thomas suspected that his Mother was now probably staring at his Father, one eye raised, with the expression she probably used at the office when one of her employees brought her an incredibly stupid idea.  His Mother was a very well placed Account Executive with a large Public Relations company in town.  She tried, she really did, sometimes, but she showed little patience when things didn’t go exactly as planned and today was definitely not according to plan.  

His Dad on the other hand was the Yin to her Yang.  Being a part time writer, albeit not the most financially successful of careers, meant that he was pretty much a stay-at-home Dad.  In their relationship, they had turned the ‘traditional’ roles upside down but he always knew his Dad was doing exactly what he wanted to in life.

“Perhaps Andrew is right, Helen.  Maybe we just need to give Thomas some time with his thoughts”

“Mother, you’re not helping.  Just because you coddled your son, doesn’t mean I’m going to coddle mine.  If Thomas would just leave the bathroom, we can all deal with this like mature adults. We’ll forget it ever happened and continue on with my happy little celebration”.

It had been his Dad’s idea, of course, to throw the party for his Mom.  But it had been apparent when she walked through the door and came face to face with a household full of distant relatives, including no less than four hyper children under the age of seven,  a Mother and Father in-law, her Boss and various co-workers, that this was not going to be ‘happy little celebration’.

“Thomas, this is Grandpa.  You just take as much time as you like, son.  Your Mother can pee next door at the neighbours. We’ll just go back to the party.  The cake was pretty good, actually,and I think I’ll have another piece.  Why doesn’t everyone just move away from the door and give him some time to himself.  Helen?  Why don’t you come help me clean up the little mess we have out in the living room”

Thomas could always count on his Grandfather to try to settle down the situation and approach things in an easy going way.  He was the kind of Grandpa who’s lap you always wanted to sit on as a kid.  I guess that’s why his Dad approached things in the same calm way.  During his disaster that had occurred just ten minutes ago, at least two people had dropped their cake and one glass had shattered on the hardwoods creating a bit of a mess, which was about where Thomas saw his life right now.  If only he could bring out the broom and sweep this afternoon clean like it had never happened. That would help.

“I’m not going anywhere, Dad, not until Thomas ends all this nonsense”

“Bro!  It’s Sarah, your sister” as if the fact that being behind the bathroom door and out of view made it suddenly impossible to recognize her voice  “I just want you to know that I think it’s really cool. I think we’ll have a lot more in common now, don’t you?.  Maybe we could like, double date sometime.”

“Double date?  Just where is the single date coming from, young lady?  You’re way too young to date at thirteen.  Like I’ve always said, there’s nothing wrong with waiting until you’re in your twenties to meet a nice man and settle down, like me and your Father did.”

“Oh Mom!  Ed and I have been dating for months.  We’re in love.”

“Ed? Love? Who’s Ed?  Are you telling me that you have a boyfriend?  Who is this boy? How old is he? What does his Father do?  Andrew, did you know about this?”

“Well, hmm, I might have heard something or other about it.  Don’t forget, Helen, you work late a lot and sometimes these things just slip my mind by the time you get home”.

“Slip your mind?”

“Mom, don’t worry.  Ed is a wonderful guy and we’re very committed to one another.  I know because he had my name tattooed on his bum Remember,  I’m not a little girl anymore, I’m a woman. I know all about contraception and STDs and all that stuff.  You don’t have to worry about me getting pregnant, cause …”

“Well, thank heaven for small mercies!  But that doesn’t mean …”

“ … we’re just having oral sex now”

Like many of the guests earlier, Thomas suspected his Mother was standing there with her mouth open right now, but all he could think at that moment was’ his younger sister was having oral sex’?  His younger sister?  Here he was, four years older, practically a full grown man, but apparently, he was stuck having late night fantasy sessions with the same lousy magazine time after time, and his sister was actually having sex? Oral or otherwise.  His Mother bounced back fast though.  Her usual response to a crisis was to make lists, get organized and, generally, boss around whoever was in the immediate vicinity. He could hear her saying ….

“All right, all right.  Let’s just settle down.  Sarah, you will stop seeing this boy immediately.  Thomas, you will come out of that bathroom right now.  Andrew, you will organize the clean up crew.  Wallace, I mean Dad, go …. just go have some more cake.   There’s no crisis that can’t be solved with a little organization.  Mother, you … Mother! What are you doing with that filthy magazine?”

“Oh, I’ve just never … well, you know, never seen pictures like this before.  It’s quite fascinating.”

“Fascinating?  What’s fascinating about steroid filled neandrathals, with under developed brains, and over developed  members, performing gymnastic acts of copulation in the back of a pickup truck?”

“It’s called a penis, dear”

“What?”

“You said ‘over developed members’.  It’s called a penis, dear”

“I know what it’s called, Mother, but I see no need to go into graphic anatomical detail in front of the children.”

“Well, it’s just a word, you know, nothing to be ashamed of.  Your father in law has one, and so does your husband, or at least he did before marriage, and …”

“Can we just skip this conversation, Mother?”

“and I don’t see why you call it ‘over developed’.  I’m only ever seen your Grandfather’s of course. In my day we didn’t go in for all this sex before marriage and alternative lifestyles., We waited until the wedding night and what you saw was what you got  But his is bigger than that.”

“It’s bigger? Than that?” and in his mind, Thomas could picture his Mother ‘s gaze drawn to the centrefold.  The model was lying stretched out on his back, hand behind his head, legs provocatively spread.  He may have been sitting on a few bales of hay, but Thomas couldn’t quite recall those details.  He wished they would just put the magazine away, forget this afternoon ever, ever happened and move on.

“Aren’t they all?” his Grandmother replied innocently.

“Andrew, would you please explain to your Mother the concept of ‘too much information’.  Are there NO secrets anymore?  Let’s please just get this little family situation dealt with.  Thomas?  I know you can hear me in there.”

“Jessica, no need to speak to me in the third person, I’m standing right behind you.  Thomas, it’s Grandma, would you please at least let us know you’re alive and haven’t fallen in the shower or cracked your skull on the tiles.”

“Yes, do what your Grandmother says.  Those are brand new tiles in there!”T

homas was alive, although he perhaps wished he wasn’t at the moment, and he hadn’t cracked anything on the imported Italian tiles, he had in fact been sitting on the edge of the bathtub, unmoving, staring at those same tiles for the last 15 minutes.  To him, it seemed that if he didn’t move a muscle, didn’t quiver even an eyelash, if he just kept very, very still, he could hold everything the way it was.  Outside the door was hot and loud and busy, but the door was his protection, and behind it, all was calm and cool and serene and, well, normal.   

Right now, that door was the only thing between Thomas and the reality that had just slammed into his life when his niece had walked back into the party. She had obviously been looking around and snooping in his bedroom, but how she found it, hidden under the mattress, he would never know.  As innocent as asking ‘Where’s Waldo?’ she had brought out the magazine into the middle of the party, held it up to him for all to see and asked, as only a five year old could ask, “why is that naked man on top of the other one?”.

At that moment, every eye in the room had turned towards Thomas like blazing spotlights.  Like the proverbial ‘deer in the headlights’, he had just frozen, the whole room seemed to get instantly quiet.  Without a word, and as calmly as can be, he had placed his drink on the cabinet, ensuring that he was using a coaster, of course, so as not to upset his Mother.  Looking up, he could see that the close exits were blocked by all the partygoers.  There was only one option.  Slowly turning out of the room, he proceeded into the bathroom, locked the door and sat down on the bathtub edge … and he hadn’t moved since.

“Well, this is getting us no where.  Andrew, would you please talk to your Son, he doesn’t appear to be listening to me and I’ve just about run out of patience.”

“When did you have any?  All right, let me talk to him.  Thomas, it’s Dad.  I can only imagine how upset you are right now, but I just want you to know that your Mother and I still love you and there’s absolutely no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed by all of this. It’s perfectly normal to have these urges at your age and it doesn’t mean a thing and even if it does, so what?  You should be the person you want to be.”

“Now dear, don’t encourage him too much.  You’re making it sound all so ‘normal’’.”

“What do you mean by that, Helen?”

“Well, I just mean, that it’s, well, not normal”

“Uh huh. You seem to have a short memory, my dear”.

“What?”

“I’m sure you remember, don’t you?“

I’m sure I don’t!”

“You seem to have conveniently forgotten what you disclosed to me once.  I’m sure you can remember, hmmm?  University? Sorority party? 1987? Her name was Susan”

“Andrew! I told you that in strictest confidence!  And we’d had two bottles of wine that night and it was just between the two of us, I see no reason to …”

“Well, your Son is locked in the bathroom because of a gay magazine, while his Mother, who in a drunken stupor twenty years ago made out with her Sorority sister one evening, his out here talking about ‘normal’. Don’t you think this is a good time to share?”

Inside the bathroom, Thomas looked up.  For the first time, outside the door was actually as quiet as inside.  He listened.  Still nothing.  He could only imagine what was happening on the other side.  He looked around the bathroom then, at how clean it was, how orderly everything appeared.  Everything in its place and a place for everything.  What a joke that seemed now!

Before he knew it, he stood up, went over to the sink, turned on the water and quickly washed his hands and face.  Drying, he held the soft towel up to his cheeks and pressed the warmth into his face.  A deep breath and sigh escaped his breath.  Finished drying, he neatly folded up the towel, and placed it back on the rack, not exactly as it had been before, but good enough.

Grabbing hold of the knob, he pulled open the door.  Greeting him were the faces of his family.  His Sister’s smile, his Father’s stern but loving grin, his Mother’s blushed cheeks.  No one moved or said a thing as he stood in the doorway looking at them all one by one.  Finally, with another sigh, he said …

“So?  Let me get this straight.  My thirteen year old sister is having sex with a guy who has her name tattooed on his butt, my Grandfather has a freakishly large penis and my Mother had a lesbian experience as a University student.  Did I get all that?” 

There was no response.  

“Seems to me I have very little reason to hide in this bathroom all afternoon because I’m gay.  Where’s the rest of the birthday cake … I’m coming out”. 

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